Growing up in Nigeria is fun. Raised by Nigerian parents is even superb, as you are not even sure what happens the next moment after being pat at the back for a successful and a well done job. Nigerian parents are amazing, and here is a nation you might like to tour during your free time, to experience one of these amazing moments with our mothers and fathers.
Welcome to Nigeria, where you don’t dare shook hands with an elder, or mistakenly pronounce “Hi” or “Hello” for a greeting. A typical Nigerian parents would be like, are you sure you are OK? If you were ever raised by Nigerian parents, or have spent a couple of moments around them, you probably should relate with some of these situation and behaviour by them.
1. When it comes to applying discipline, you are a goner! The Nigerian parent has a pass mark in “hot slap” on the back, and a degree in generating a funny name which relates to the crime you’ve committed. You can also recommend a Nigerian mom especially, for a slippers throw. They have this great skill that never miss their target anytime. I believe Van testified to it in one if his hit movie “hard target”.
2. Why did you have a “B” in this very simple subject? You even have the guts to come home with this mark? What happens to Chinedu who got “A”, does he has 2 heads?”
You can score all the marks in these world and they are never satisfied. You have to be able to beat every other kids before your efforts can be appreciated. Inform a Nigerian parent that your examination result will be out in school today. Their response would be like, “If you don’t have “A”, don’t even bother to come home”
3. You know you are getting into trouble somehow, when they start calling your names repeatedly; most especially three times, and then asking to confirm how many times you are being called. That was simply a pre-warned move, and you have to be very careful, or maybe smart, to be able to escape their traps. Similarly, they often ignore for a while and make sure they lead you to do something worth a spank!
4. Nigerian parents are never wrong, and you can never beat them with your “super performance”. If you think you are better in a specific area, they are best when they were around your age. Your good deeds does not always freak them because they did those things better when they were younger.
5. Don’t even try to lend them the little money you have made. The kind of response you get when you request a pay-back are similar to the following;
“what, all the foods you have being eating in this house since you were born, can your money buy all of that?” Spanking is a regular thing, and you can always win yourself one if you insist on getting your money.
6. If you are a girl, you must know how to cook and do daily chores. If you can’t, “you can have a lot of problems when you get married”. To avoid these problems, you would be compelled to knowing how to make proper meals.
7. One rear cases like that of sibling rivalry, it is either one is possessed with bad or evil spirit. To a Nigerian parent, such habit is nothing near normal. Some evil spirit is always behind it.
8. There is no such thing as a natural death. When a neighbour sleeps and couldn’t wake up the next day, that is the works of enemies. If it was an accident, it must either be from the family of the individual, or from the village where he came from. Especially when you are jobless, you migh even be advised to appease to the elders. No mishap can ever be natural to a Nigerian parent.
9. Unless you are willing and ready to eat your mom’s arms, you don’t have to make it known when you are hungry. “Call your siblings and you all can feed on my arms”.
10. Don’t complain about the fare that was supposed to take you to school. Nigerian parents will always remind you how they walk 10 miles to school everyday during their school days. You don’t even want complain about your breakfast being insufficient either. When they were about your age, they share same amount and quantity of the food meant for you alone with other siblings, so you have to be grateful.
10. ” Why did you have a “B” in this very simple subject? You even have the guts to come home with this mark? What happens to Chinedu who got “A”, does he has 2 heads?”
11. Only when you have a call credit on phone is the same time they remember their mother whom they have missed so much. Be nice enough to say goodbye to your credit, as the talk won’t stop until they say hello to the baby of the house from the other end.
12. Still under discipline. You dare not stay out beyond a previously stated time. “Just go back to wherever it is that you are coming from” is the kind of response to be expected.
13. No matter how much pain you are going through after a spank or a wipe from them, you must remain silent. If you cry or make any saddened sounds, here is what you will hear – “Did I touch you?.. Was that spank enough to make you cry?.. Better don’t make any sound there, else I will beat the daylight out of you and you will have enough to cry about”.
14. When they want to compel or stop you from doing something they considered wrong, they will always count in numbers, or close and re-open their eyes. “If you don’t stand up there before I open my eyes, you will land yourself in big trouble” – “Before I count 1 to 3, get back into the house, 1, 2…” But the “3” will never be counted.
15. There is always a time when they assume you are giving them some horrible look. “What! How dare you look at me like that”.
16. When you were tasked to look for something, but could not find it. “Are you sure you checked everywhere? If I stand up from here, searched and find the bucket, this house will become hot for you”
17. When they are tired of your problems, “Leave me alone. You can not kill me because I didn’t kill my mother”.
18. For Nigerian moms, they scream your name consecutively. Sometimes, they need you not to answer, but to come. Responding from the other end won’t stop her from calling your names repeatedly until you make yourself present. Finally, “didn’t you hear I was calling? Were you counting my voice?.. Come over and zip my gown for me”.
19. “Your enemies are so unfortunate, if you disturb me further, your enemies will know no peace”
This part is just interesting. Nigerian parents don’t direct curses to their children. Instead, your enemies suffers it all. So, just before you put up a fight with a Nigerian kid or beef his progress, you need to think twice.
20. When you react to some situations, or reply harshly to mom..
Dad: Did you just talk back to your mom, are you OK!
You: (frowns face and responded on a low tone) I’m okay o.
Dad: Oh, I see. You now have guts to talk back at me. So, it is me that is not okay abi. Kneel down there!
But our parents are still the best when it comes to showing parental care. Mom would do anything to defend her child against any form of abuse, and dad would ensure you get everything you want so you don’t mingle with bad folks. Ultimately, Nigerian parents can be harsh, but when you take some moments to understand there ways, you realize their harshness is all fun.
While using the comment box below, share us some funniest moments with your parents, including some hilarious things they ever did or say to you.