What could possibly be your reason for staying unshaken in an abusive marriage?
If all else fails, what are the processes to restore your marriage back to how lovely they used to be?
Your decision about whether to stay in a terrible marriage or leave might be the next big thing to finalize, yet very important.
If you grew up in an abusive marriage or raised by a broken family, you would realize how hard it is to survive with decisions by two parents with deep hidden hatred for each other.
I wasn’t a victim of this, so I won’t be sharing any experience in this regards, rather, I have decided to reference a friend who had a tough time managing her own family years back after suffering the same predicament by her own parents.
Debby (not real name) got used to her friends calling her names and teasing her about her ‘wayward’ father and ‘stubborn’ mother. Every now and then, she battles with such emotional pain as per deciding if spending Christmas and her birthday with Mom would be a good idea instead of spending quality time with Dad.
Such a tough situation, you’d agree.
Nevertheless, Debby is a big girl now; married, and has broken lots of boundaries, made countless achievements but currently lacking one vital thing — Her home is falling apart too.
My friend is replaying the dramas of her own parents. She now has to re-live the experience of being a child whose parents raised her while being apart.
However, her greatest regret is seeing her own children playing the victims now. Debby knows how it feels — she’s been there and out. Looks like she literately got back into it.
Apparently, she was able to strive through survival, but fears whether her own children would.
That is not all.
She also worried about the kind of lives her children would be exposed to while raising them with a drunk father; one whose infidelity escapades are in the open. She is yet to finalize on the big question of, “Should I stay in this abusive marriage for the sake of my children or not?”
Is this your case? Do you have relatives entangled in a similar web?
To set the record straight, being in this situation simply means your marriage is in terribly bad shape. You quarrel and fight with your partner on a daily basis probably because he cheats, or your decisions no longer count.
The love you both shared when you started seems to have found its way through the exit, and you are trying to decide what next, but all your plans were being dragged down with worries on what will happen to your kids.
You worry about how abandoned they will feel when you eventually moved out from home and also afraid of the possible long-term effect the breakup may have on their welfare. You are unsure how they are likely to survive the emotional pain that may arise after your departure.
Are your kids enough reasons for staying in an abusive marriage?
If you have your chance, would you turn the tide?
The decision of either to stay for the sake of your children or leave the horrible relationship is important because it won’t only affect you and your partner alone.
For this purpose, below are some important questions to ask yourself before arriving at any conclusion.
1. Why do I feel leaving my relationship is the right thing to do?
Firstly, you have to be honest with yourself if leaving is a better option at the moment, and in your own case.
Forget about your kids for a moment. Is your relationship meeting your needs? Are your wants fulfilled to a bearable level? Is your partner concerned about your feelings?
Apart from ‘your children’, what would be your main reason for wanting to end your relationship?
This could be anything like lack of love, closeness or care. He or she might even be a super-cheater. Figure this out to start with.
2. Why should I consider staying in my horrible relationship?
While you are alone with your thought, what would you point out as your main reason for deciding to stay in a relationship you are not comfortable in?
You may realize that your reasons for staying are beyond what you think it is.
So, apart from staying for the sake of your children, you may also realize you’ve been on a stand-still because you do not believe in divorce.
Search your conscience deeply as much as you can. Do you truly love your partner and willing to hold them by the hand and work things out?
3. What danger could I or my children be exposed to if I stay?
This part is definitely clearer in the case of involvement with an abusive partner.
If your partner is the abusive type — physically, sexually or emotionally to you and the kids, then it’s time to consider any measure of safety available.
4. Am I or my partner willing to work things out?
No matter how terrible the situation becomes in your relationship, are you willing to make necessary changes to get things back to normal? Is your partner feeling the same way?
Mostly, your partner is the one with the largest share of the blame here when asked, but deep within, without holding back the truth, you know you’ve got an awful part too.
Search your conscience. Decide if you are willing to accept responsibilities for your little shortcomings so as to get things amended. Are you ready to be true to yourself by changing from that habit that got you into the mess in the first place?
Pay attention to your partner’s behavior at this time. Are there any indications and genuine willingness to change? Would they possibly break their promises after vowing to turn a new leaf?
5. How reliable are your sources of support for you and your kids?
Irrespective of your decision at the end of the day, are your supports strong enough to fall back on if everything goes sour? Are your supports reliable to provide lasting solutions which in turn, improves your relationship if you decide to finally stay to make things right?
It’s best to adhere to the advice of surrounding yourself with the kind of support that provides your family with the best of decisions.
Would you stay in an awful relationship for the sake of your children?
What other ways can you get an abusive relationship restored?